When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
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My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Not messing around
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
somebody come look at this
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?