When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
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Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
I thought this was funny lol
