good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
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Thank you, Internet.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
bruce wayne: wait shit no
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.