Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
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me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
This is my brand.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES