@kerouac741

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar

You Might Also Like

@murrman5

good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*

@ArfMeasures

Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy

@ArcTypeAngel

As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant

He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices

@Marlebean

Costume idea:

Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.

@Lisa_Laughs_

If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

@Skoog

[trial in gotham]

lawyer: please state your name for the court

bruce wayne: batman

lawyer:

judge:

jury:

bruce wayne: wait shit no

@kimlockhartga

2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.

2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.

@mynameisntdave

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

@BlairLoudly

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.