Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
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📽️movie date🎞️
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I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
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