Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
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me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
it was love at first sight
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Just as the prophecy foretold
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”