“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
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Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.