[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
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Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.