Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
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Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
The funk soul brother
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no