Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
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*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys