The new Ring movie looks terrifying
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People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Hell yeah 👍
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!