I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
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A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
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Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
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[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
What an awful time to have common sense.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying