I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
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HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
translated into Canadian
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded