If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
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No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
no one ever comes back
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed