Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
You Might Also Like
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards