Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
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Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Yup.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore