Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
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Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl![]()
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
🤣😈🤣
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Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
The police never think its as funny as you do.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.