I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
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Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it