Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
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I’m just playing devils avocado here
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.