@Darlainky

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

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@JohnLyonTweets

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

@baronvonbike

My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.

@DarthPutinKGB

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

@MrEd_EVH

Me – how about a Border Collie

Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding

Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?

@daemonic3

[arrested in 1985]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news

[arrested in 2018]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it

@notalogin

The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.

@UncleDuke1969

pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign

@DairylandDon

Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.