I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
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“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Storm Tropical Storm
how was your vacation
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.