I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
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Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can