I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
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If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.