I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
![]()
You Might Also Like
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
cop: you’re under arrest
me: you’re under arrest
cop: what
me: get in the car
cop: yours or mine
me: yours
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
![]()
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor