I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
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“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht