*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
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“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
i prefer mine room temperature.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.