Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
You Might Also Like
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
And then there were 4
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER