How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
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In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors