Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
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Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
also my go-to takeaway order
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?