also my go-to takeaway order
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Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
79.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.