[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
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me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
This hospital has everything
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?