Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
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[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.