He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
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My dad teaching me to drive
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*