Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
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Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
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I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.