imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
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All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.