Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
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Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti