Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
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Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu