I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
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cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.