ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
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No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.