Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
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“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket