Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
You Might Also Like
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?
*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Who were the kings of disco?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!