Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
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ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Stop being racist to kettles.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Wait for it