Beware of the dog..
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[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years