Beware of the dog..
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Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
opening a flower shop called women in stem
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now