Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
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My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?