I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
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[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days