Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
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I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.