Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”

i’m still crying at this

guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?

I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.

BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*

Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.

A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.

Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.

Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.

[bank robbery]

Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit

Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

[Space]

No-one: I can hear screaming

HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.

ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!

My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…

So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.

Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.

[courtroom]

me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ

judge: pardon?

me: omg thank you