Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”

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They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.


Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago


Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,

I’m a terrible gardener.


I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.


1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.

3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.


I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up


A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.

It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.


With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us


During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her