Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”

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At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.


I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.


Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.


I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy


Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.


[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]


My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.


I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.


I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.


[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet