“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
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The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks