drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
You Might Also Like
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.