[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
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When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
can’t bark with your mouth full
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*