When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
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I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
*skinny dips into black hole
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
When he asks for feet pics
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If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?