When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
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Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.