if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
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To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
*puts words between two asterisks*
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.