To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
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You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.