@GrantTanaka

grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER

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@KevinBuffalo

When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.

@MrEmilyHeller

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

@Jake_Vig

Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.

@Smooheed

‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’

@mattkoff

I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.

@ZiddiAkki

Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.

@nigelgodwin

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.

@WheelTod

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party

@robfee

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

@robfee

The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.