If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
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My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
lot going on here, legally speaking.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”