[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
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We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.