The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
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I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.