[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
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You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.